pullin' my heart strings....
I've been reflecting so much on the past five years of my life during this pregnancy. So much change in a few short years. The days and weeks have flown by- maybe we don't notice it as much on the regular but when there is a human growing inside you WOW it's been very noticeable for me lately! 2 more months until our newest little bundle of joy joins the family. If we've talked in person lately you most likely got the vibe that I'm terrified. Pregnancy hormones are terrible. I'm anxious, emotional, excited, sad, happy, angry and EVERYTHING ELSE. My poor family!!! My babies are growing up so fast. Max is 10 (DOUBLE DIGITS, WHAAAAT) I seriously feel like I was just 20 years old, broke, living in a crummy tiny apartment in town with no clue what was happening or how to have a kid. Our princess is 6. How the hell did that happen? I mean seriously, all the feelings..... Have I been there enough? Have I missed out on too much? Have we spent enough quality time together? Have I ignored them too much because I chose work over them? Did I ignore sweet conversations because I'm trying to edit when they're home? Why can't I stay up late at night to edit so I don't miss out on time with them? Why are they growing so fast? Do they hate me? Max's pre teen emotions are full blown over here and it's just dandy! Is Max going to be mad he's having another sister? Is Bella going to hate leaving me and throw fits because she wants to be with me and the baby all the time? How will they adjust? How will I handle work and a NEWBORN? Will I make a solid effort to keep Frank and I close and have quality time together? How will i balance it all? Will i fail? Will I enjoy having a baby attached to me 24-7 for a year again? A FEW OF THINGS I FEEL 24/7. Like i said, hormones are the devil. I've done this twice. No one understands why I'm so anxious! I don't even understand it half the time. Our life has been a certain way for almost 5 years. It's worked! Will this work!? It's so scary, but I pray everyday for some peaceful feelings because I know with 100% certainty I will freakin' love it. I will figure out. I will balance it all. Frank and I will figure it out. The kids will be obsessed with their baby. We will all be okay. With that being said, my life is about to look very different! I know I'll blink and Max will be driving and off to college. Bella will be hanging out with her friends and not home as much, and this baby will be in school full time. I have to have my priorities in check. My business has changed, grown, and become another love of my life. I seriously love it, every thing about it! I'm seriously blessed with the best clients. I love all of your children and our time together. I love shooting and my quiet days at my desk editing. but it's all going to be harder with a new baby at home everyday and every evening. I've had a certain schedule that has worked perfectly for years because my older kids were spending time with their dad. Now we'll never have open nights without kids again. I'm looking at what I want my schedule to look like moving forward after maternity leave. I am smart enough to know YOU CANNOT DO IT ALL. Mamas It is impossible. I'm working on accepting that. The days I'm most frustrated are the days I try to do everything perfectly. I can't work, shoot, edit, clean, do laundry, be at every game or practice, play with the kids, run errands, cook, have the house stocked, be fun, answer emails, work on taxes, and behind the scenes workflows, blog, talk to my friends, relax, shower, work out, make a homemade dinner in ONE DAY. It will NEVER EVER HAPPEN. If I can't do it with 2 kids who are in school most of the year, I NEED TO ACCEPT IT'S DEF. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN IN TWO MONTHS. I'm trying to figure out what I want my days to look like moving forward. It for sure has a lot of family time and bonding with our new baby. It has work that I love. It has balance, and it has help! I already have a babysitter lined up for two days a week. That will allow me to shoot and edit on those days, mom guilt free, but I am learning what my No's and Yes's will be.
As my babies are getting older, and a new one arrives I have to shift my priorities. Between school, extracurriculars, sports, teenage hormones (SOS) It's becoming clear my kids need me just as much as now as ever. I will do my best to work the same amount as I do now (just a different schedule)
I cannot express enough how fun my job is and how grateful I am for my clients. I have had such a busy summer and I'm so blessed to work all year round! I'm putting my heart and focus into LIB studio work. It's my happy place, I adore little babies, chubby thighs, bottom teeth popping through, giggles, moms cuddled up on the bed with your hubby and kids, siblings cuddled up. If you want fresh, clean, cute, fun, light, airy, classic sessions. I'm your girl! I will still be taking on outdoor shoots once I'm back to work, but I will be focusing on new fun adventures indoors as well! I'm so lucky to have a studio space I adore and I'll be adding lots more clothing, accessories, furniture, and I can't wait to see you there! My next blog will most likely be of our baby girl! I can't wait to feel so stupid about my anxieties when were all four holding her on the hospital bed. She's meant to be ours and I can't wait to be her mommy <3 Thanks for reading along, friends!
a very tired, emotional Mal
feel free to email me back and make me feel normal if you've felt any of these things ;)